New Year and new challenges

It seems I only ever write these days when there's something happening. It's partly because I no longer have nap time to use for writing and partly because I'm not quite sure whose blog this is :). Mine or our family's. Today  I decided it might be mine in the first place and then also a family one, too.

During Christmas holidays little girl's bed was moved back to her own room and although I expected it to be a tough transition all has gone really, really well. Now she doesn't want to come to our bed anymore at all :), yay! Yesterday we did some more work in her room and it is now much more spacious looking than before. We also finally got around to putting shelves and two tables (to form an L) to our hobby room and it looks much better now. Our cross trainer moved to the study and I miss the couch we had there but still it's better there than in the tiny hobby room.

All this has been really good. The more challenging bit comes next. We have been trying to have another baby but unfortunately it hasn't happened. During this past weekend we were disappointed to find once more that I'm not expecting. As a result we made with great sadness the decision to not try anymore.

Yesterday I went to see a gynegolocist because I'd noticed something odd and I'm informed that I have uterine proplapse. It's a bening condition but it ain't going anywhere and with age it will get worse since all tissue tends to loosen as we age. 

Had we had another baby that would have ment worsening the condition significantly although as such it is not a hinderance when it comes to pregnancy. In Finland the most common way to treat it is to have a hysterectomy i.e. to remove my uterus. Getting that information right after we'd made the most heart breaking decision I've ever had to make was a bit too much I have to admit. My brain says: "Well, away with it then!" And my emotions, well, I've cried a lot. This most certainly means no babies anymore and since we'd already decided I have to admit I'm surprised just how heart broken I am.

To make matters scarier I'm also informed that my breasts have mastopathia and that unfortunately increases the risk of cancer. Also, there is in my right breast an area about 3 cm wide which is very sore. It's always been an area that gets sore which is why I hadn't realized that it's gotten so that it's sore all of the time and not once a month.

On Monday morning I go to my very first mammography and breast ultrasound. At this point I don't know weather to be scared out of my mind or to mourn. I do both.

The problem is that with these very intense feelings I have a hard time praying. It's all quite simply too much to handle at the same time.  I know God knows this but for my own sake I wish I could pray and I assume that I will be able to once things settle down a little.