What can I say? We received news Friday morning that a blood test taken a week ago indicates that there is a hightened risk in that our baby has a developmental disorder. The risk is in fact less than that caused by my age (I'm 39 in case you were wondering) but not as little as the computer program requires for a test to come out negative. Incidentally, it seems plain wrong that a positive result means negative things and a negative result means positive things but that's the way it goes.
As God would have it, we had a family service today and the Gospel reading was about healing. All the way to Eucharist I kept it together but the words of the liturgy and what's more important the Eucharist itself got to me and I really had to work hard to not cry. I know it would have been ok to cry, too, but I'm glad I didn't. I really wanted the congregation to be blessed by the Holy Communion and a crying pastor can kind of disturb that.
And then I did something I have never done before and I'm yet to figure it out to myself weather it was right for me to do so. After the service I told the congreation that something is wrong with our baby. It came out wrong because I meant to say something might be wrong with our baby but by the time I'd finished the sentence I was also crying so explaining more clearly wasn't quite possible.
I'm so blessed in that two of my dear friends came to stand and hold me as I stood there. I don't think I've ever felt quite that vulnerable in front of my congergation and their support helped me to bear it. Thank you so much Leigh Ann and Lorna.
We are, husband, junior and I, so very blessed in that we know that a whole congregation prays for us and I, in that you did it today as I was there. In addition, we have family and friends who pray for us, too. So, we are truly, truly blessed.
The thing is this, though, as a pastor you are called to serve and you have this feeling of being in charge of your flock, of taking care of your flock, a little like a mother takes care of her children. To reverse it, to become the one who is being taken care of, who is being supported seems like something I'm not supposed to do. Not because I and we don't deserve it, or because we don't need it, but because, yes...why? I guess because that's not the job!
The last sentence can be misinterpreted in soooo many ways that I don't even know how to prevent it being misinterpreted. However, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes those of us whose work is helping and/or teaching people do not remember - be we psyhologists, pastors, teachers etc. - that that is the job. Instead we try to heal our own wounds with the help of the people we are supposed to be helping or teching.
For any pastor the job is to a large extent to be responsible in that we do not burden those who we are supposed to be supporting with our problems and unresolved issues. So, what happens to the pastor when she stands in front of her congregation crying and asking for their prayers? She feels very vulnerable and very uncertain weather it is ok to do so - and very humbled by the warmth, love and care she receives.
Thank you.
4 comments:
You did good Mia.
It is a privilege to stand with you in prayer - and carry you as best we can (like the four friends of the man in the Gospel reading today) to the foot of Jesus.
Yes it feels like crap to be so vulnearable and yes I can see how you are afraid to be a burden to your congregation who indeed you are supposed to pastor - but you know we are ALL the body of Christ - and there is a season for everything. Now it's our turn to hold your hand, to listen, to eat chocolate with you -and yeah to have the wonderful privilege of standing before God and interceding for you and this precious child.
Crying isn't nice - it's a wet business - but it was ok (very ok) to be human today. You were not trying to heal your wounds with the help of the people you are supposed to help, support and teach - you were actually telling us that as part of the body of Christ you need us and that God can use us and our prayers.
I wasn't going to come to the service today. At 3:15pm I realised I was being nudged into going. Now I know why.
We're here for you - because we love you - and yeah we're called to pray for our pastors and friends. You happen to qualify for both and you know what - it's GREAT that we can support you in this time of anxiety and need.
I bet that's how the friends felt when they let that man down through the roof. Dignified not a bit -but worth doing. You bet.
I don't know what miracles God has got in store for you and this baby - but I know He's willing to hold you, your husband and that precious wee mite in the palm of His hand. And right now I can't think of any better place to be :)
love Lorna xx
I agree with Lorna, "I bet that's how the friends felt when they let that man down through the roof. Dignified not a bit -but worth doing."
I just read a novel where a rabbi said that public prayer for someone who's hurting is like giving a hug.
I am glad that both Lorna & Leigh Ann were sitting in places that they could jump up to stand by you right away.
We really appreciate you opening up to us. I have cried on your shoulder, and you are definitely welcome to cry on mine whenever you need to. Will and I are praying that God will be with you all through this, and we know He will be. Whatever happens, He has a perfect plan for your family! We love you!
"weather it is ok to do so"
Again, WHETHER. Weather is, well, the conditions outside.
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