What the doctor said

Yesterday evening we had a long and very difficult discussion about what we want to do next. Our opitions were - and are - to accept uncertainty or to ask for an amniocentesis which would give us a 99,5% certain answer when it comes to some of the possible chromosomal abnormalities, Down Syndrome being the one that the doctors are most concerned about because of my age.

The problem is that there is a hightened risk of miscarriage due to the procedure itself. When the needle is incerted into the ambioitic fluid there is a possibility that the tissue surrounding the fetus ruptures or then there is the possibility that the hole does not close as it should. This happens quite seldom - in one case out of a hundred to two hundred - but the risk is real.

The lady doctor we went to see today explained this and quite a lot of other things, too. One of the things being that if we are intending to keep the baby no matter what then we really need to think carefully about going for the amniocentesis because of its risks. The point being, is the risk worth it? If we can live with uncertainty and put our anxiety about the test results behind us then there really is no reason for the amniocentesis. We'll know in due course how things are when the baby is born. We were there for a whole hour and are extremely thankful to have met such a lovely, capable and sympathetic doctor. She was an answer to all prayers.

It turns out that what elevates the results to what they now are is in my case mostly just my age and not much else, so that was a relief. The blood test's results in actual fact caused the odds to get smaller: meaning that if my risk to be carrying a baby with a choromosome disorder is due to my age 1:140 then as the result of the blood test it now is 1:190. (I'd gotten the numbers wrong a bit before).

What the doctor said was that had I not been to the blood test I would have been blissfully unaware of what the odds are. Now that I had been to the blood test the odds in favor of a healthy baby are in fact better but we are now worried because the results give the odds at less than 1:250 which is set as the ratio that gives you a negative result.

Basically if the ratio is 1:249 you are asked for consultation because you fall within the 5% of mothers whose pregnancies are screened for possible disorders. If the ratio is 1:250 you're not. If you do the math the difference is very, very small. Out of those 5% of preganancies there really is a disorder in the case of 1% of babies. All of us, the 5% of mommies and daddies, go through the same roller coster of emotions as we have during this weekend but only 1% of the babies do then have a chromosome disorder.

What does this mean to us then? It means that the risk of us having a baby who has extra choromosomes or too few chromosomes is one out 190. The odds for having a baby who has the healthy amount of chromosomes but there is something else wrong we do not know nor the odds for having a perfectly healthy baby. Since we love the baby very much and very much want to have him/her no matter any odds we're given, we are not going to take the amniocentesis.

We are no longer quite as blissfully unaware of our odds as we used to be. But at the end of the day I don't know weather it's a bad thing. We really want this baby and we know it now even better than before. And we want him/her just as s/he is. We will quite likely have equally difficult decisions to make in the future but we have a bit more faith in that we can deal with them - especially with the help and support of our friends.

And then, I've started to realize that somewhere deep inside my heart is this huge feelling for this child that I didn't know of. What it says is that I will do everything in my power to protect him/her, and I wonder if it isn't exactly how God feels about us all, too.

We're scared but I've gathered that that comes with parenthood in every case. We are worried but we will do our best not to worry because worry cannot change things. On the other hand, we are also thankful beyond words not only for this baby but for all of you who support us and pray for us. And we do know - and I mean we really do - that we are in God's hands. We are safe. We may not always feel it but we are.

Then there's just one more thing. I don't know how to express my gratitude to you my congregation and all of you who have prayed for us during these past 24 hours. Your prayers carried us through our very worst moments of fear and anxiety. And you showed to us what is means to be a community, a true Church of Christ. You have no idea how deeply honored I feel to be your pastor. Thank you - again.