I was wrong - again - sigh! It seems that it's just impossible for me to just relax and wait. Any sign of a change and I'm all geared up to go. Only, the baby isn't! The good thing is that I really am not affraid at all of delivery anymore. I am just really eager to get going.
The not so good part is that I'd been kind of grumpy (pooooor Husband) today until I figured out that I'm very disappointed that we didn't get to go have our baby yesterday. Not very clever of me to not realize this right away, I admit.
However, the thing is that this is my own doing. I get myself all excited and then when I'm wrong I get disappointed. What I end up with is denying the disappointment because I think that I don't really have the right to be disappointed. A part of me sees it even somewhat as a sign of questioning God's good plan. So, I deny myself the right to be disappointed since it is my own doing and end up being angry about being disappointed in addition to actually being disappointed. But feelings, albeit being just feelings, are still something that need to run their own course in order for us to be able to move on.
So, here it goes: I am so very disappointed. I so wanted to go have our baby yesterday. I so wanted us to finally meet her, hold her and touch her. I so wanted her in my arms.
The interesting thing with this is that up till now I haven't really been too concentrated on what happens after the delivery - I know it sounds weird, but that's the way it is. Somehow, for me, it's been more about just getting over this part and then going on to the next phase and then figuring out who this brand new little person in our lives is.
It isn't that I haven't been interested, or that I don't love her or that she isn't the biggest most amazing miracle of our lives it's just been sort of impossible for me to imagine her outside myself. It still is to a point, but in a way she's getting more and more real to me and as a result I am now looking past the delivery and just can't wait to see her. The discomforts of being very - and I mean VERY - pregnant do of course come in the equation as well, but mainly it really finally is about really wanting to look at her little face, count her toes and fingers and to start to get to know this little one.
I hadn't really realized this before yesterday evening so in a way I am thankful that we are now a week over the due date as it seems that it's taken me a very long time to come to this point. I do feel like a very bad mom to have been more concentrated on just getting this pregnancy part over with but I also know things are not quite that black and white. This child has been so much loved and so eagerly expected from the get go.
2 comments:
Hi Mia and co.
You are in a great moment.
God is with you all the time.
Rest in Him.
Markku A.
with the exception of premature births every mum I know has been counting the days and wishing the pregnancy would end - even if they haven't really focussed on 'life post partum'
it means you are normal.
DD was a week late. I was VERY pregnant. I'd forgotten what my toes looked like! I couldn't sleep and spent half the day on the loo!
She should have been born in April. We went to vappu and beyond by another 4 days. I'd expected her in mid April (earlier than due date - on TS birthday) so I can so identify with your 'every day is a disappointment' because she hasn't arrived yet / this pregnancy isn't over yet.
And yes it is hard to trust God's timing - esp here in the west where we have so much medical intervention. So don't be so hard on yourself -it's all in hand - and it will work out -and we're all cheering you on.
April Fool's Day is round the corner ... who knows :) It seems as if the original due-date was more accurate than their re-calculation ... but still yeah it will be lovely when she finally decides to meet her äiti ja isi and the rest of us too :)
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